When I'm Free
by Daniveil
Summary: Kim has always been obsessed with Jared. She has gone unnoticed for three years because of her fears of rejection. What will she do when she finds that those fears weren't necessary?
1. Chapter 1

_**chapter one**_

Obsession- the domination of one's thoughts by a persistent idea, image, thought, or desire

KEEEE KEEE KEEEE Again, I woke up to the sound of my annoying high pitched alarm clock. I would have turned it off, but it was eight feet from my bed in the corner of my room. During sixth grade I'd had to move it into the corner farthest from my bed just to keep me from turning it off. I wanted to sleep more or say I was sick and stay home, but because I wasn't really sick, and didn't want detention for being late, I decided against it.

I rolled onto my back and stared blearily at the ceiling. I was trying to remember the dream I'd had, trying to decipher why there was pain deep in my stomach because of it. Then of course I remembered.....and wished I had let my sub-consciousness bury it. The dream wasn't a nightmare in the sense that you woke up screaming in fear, it was worse. It was the type of nightmare that had you crying while you were still asleep. I remembered everything now.

_I was walking in the school hallway, dodging all the other students who couldn't see me because of my height. I knew I was dreaming because I was just walking in the hall-ways, and couldn't remember to care about where I was going. As the hundredth person accidentally knocked me to the floor, the dream blurred and became black for a few minutes that could have been hours._

_When my dream-sight came back I was in my history class. I vaguely felt the excitement that had recently started to come to me during those lectures. I despised the tedium that was U.S history, but the people in the class, no the person in the class, made it tolerable.**Jared **my dream self sighed, as the object of my five year obsession walked into the classroom... and sat in the assigned seat beside me. I stayed there for a while in a blissful, yet blurry haze, just staring at his profile. Wishing for all the world that I could make him turn to me, but remaining too entranced to try conversation. Then my view shifted, and I still had no idea whether the dream was good or bad_

_As my dream self felt remorse for the change of scenery a field filled my vision. There was a smog so deep that I couldn't see more than four feet in front of me hanging in the air. When I realized that there was a body before me I looked to it. I felt a stinging shock as I recognized who it was. Jared. Odd that I would be shocked to see him, I had just been with him in history, I thought. My thoughts were the idle thoughts that occur only in dreams and drunken stupors. Butterflies partied within my stomach at the sight of his confused look and a painful sweep of longing went through me when I thought about how beautiful he was. I couldn't help but remember that he wasn't, and never would be, mine. I was too boring, lacking in talent or any other noticeable attributes. Still, ceaselessly remaining underneath all the negativity the tiny strand of hope I held in my heart lingered. That hope was the very thing I tried vainly to suppress. It was most likely the hope that forced my dream self to speak._

_"I love you, I've been hopelessly, desperately and unhealthily in love with you for a long time. I am borderline obsessed and have no hope whatsoever, but would you please go out with me?" I heard my voice say. Shock flowed through me, even in sleep I couldn't believe I was stupid enough to say that. What had I done? Getting the feelings out felt good for about two seconds, and then the thought of a response turned that relief into true terror._

_" I'm sorry, but no." his husky voice answered, his wide chocolate brown eyes were filled with pity and guilt. His handsome features were filled with apology. " I don't even know you." _

_Dream-Jared wasn't mean but I was still crushed. Pain swirled around me as I watched his broad back walk away. My legs fell from under me. The words "I don't even know you" swirled around in my head like a hail storm over and over again. I didn't know him and it shouldn't matter whether or not i did, I had to snap out of it. We had never had a conversation, and he had never even looked at me. I needed to get over him. But I couldn't. "I don't even know you" spoken in a warm husky voice wrapped darkness around me as I continued to sob like a motherless infant. _

I shook away the dream roughly, Come on kid cheer up. Today you get to watch a movie in history. No boring completely useless history lessons. Bravo! The only good thing about that wretched class is the seating arrangement I thought. The reminder of that fact cheered me up, despite the pang it sent through my heart. I grinned to myself as I got up out of bed only to have that grin fall from my face two seconds later.

I normally couldn't stay depressed for more than an hour, and couldn't stay mad for more than two minutes. My emotions used to be permanently stuck in fast-forward. In the past year that had changed. There was always a loneliness underlying everything I did. The longer I spent near Jared the more hopeless love i felt and the farther I fell down a dark well of depression.

Trying once again to shake off my negatively charged emotions, I got out of bed, grabbed my clothes and headed to the bathroom. When I got there I turned the hot water all the way up and relaxed in the warmth.

When I was clean and dressed I looked out the bathroom window. It was raining, as usual. It always rained in La Push. I loved my home, the small reservation of Quileute Indians was peaceful and remote. But sometimes the rain looked grotesquely threatening. Those times mostly appeared when I had to ride the bus.

I sighed, I knew my mom had already left me behind. Today wouldn't be a good day to stand out in the rain, I was already in a bad mood. She would have been late for work if she dropped me off, so I didn't feel all that bad about it. There was no reason for me to be sad, or so I told myself. Despite my better judgement I felt as if she hadn't noticed me and left me behind.

"Get it together Kim, you have a good life. Not many people notice you, but there are still friends that you can talk to. There are still people who love you." I said to myself, thinking of my newly divorced mother and my lovable bear of a big brother. "Cheer up" I added in a growl. I hated bad moods, they spoiled everything.

The bus didn't arrive for an hour, so I took the time to look in the mirror and give the reflection an evaluation. It had been a long time since I had done this, appearances were not one of the things on my long list of obsessions. I analyzed my face, hair, and body critically. I didn't give a damn about my clothes or the way people saw me, but I still couldn't resist looking. My hair was long, straight, and glossy black, exactly like the typical Quileute. My skin was a russet color, and unlike a lot of girls in my school i didn't wear any makeup over it. Being really short, with brown eyes, full lips, and a wide nose I looked pretty boring. I focused on my nose for a while. I hated my nose. It got me teased, and was the only pronounced feature in my face.

Oh well, I thought, no use stressing over it, I mean, really, who cares? I thought .....uh okay maybe me, I unwillingly admitted to myself.

I hurried downstairs to get a pop tart before I caught the bus. As I was walking out of my house to the bus stop somebody's car sped by and I got soaked by the resulting splash of water. _I knew when I woke up that my day was going to be unpleasant_, I thought bitterly as I boarded the bus.

When I arrived at the school, the first two classes went by quickly. Nothing happened that was any worse than usual I only ended up on the floor with my books scattered all over the place twice, which was a new record because my average was four times. I couldn't wait till third period and walked straight into history and sat down a full fifteen minutes early. I waited and waited but he never came. Where was Jared?

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By the end of the school day I was too restless to go home. After history I had assumed that Jared had skipped class, but by the end of the day my hopes had been crushed. He wasn't anywhere to be seen. When I asked my best friend Maria if she'd seen him she'd responded with a sympathetic look and a sigh. "No I haven't seen him. Kim you're worrying me, this........... obsession went beyond harmless about two years ago. You won't be happy if you continue pining after Jared." she had said.

"Yeah, tell me something I don't know. I've been trying to cure myself of this problem for years." I had responded. She knew that too, she had played a major role in all of the failed attempts. _Why did she have to bring it up?_I had thought irritated though I had instantly felt remorse for my mean thoughts. Maria was being Maria. She naturally worried about people and always tried to help them. Maria perpetually remained much too kind and timid for her own good. She was worse than me in the shyness department, but once you got to know her you realized what a riot she could be. She had almost no reason to be shy, she was tall, brilliant and gorgeous. The only reason guys didn't fawn all over her was because they were intimidated. What guy would have the guts to ask Maria out? Her black hair went to her waist, her body was curvy and long, and her face was indescribably perfect. The golden color of her eyes would have clashed on any other Quileute but matched her bright smile astoundingly. She was gorgeous and could have any guy she wanted. Whenever I told her this she just rolled her eyes and said I was biased.

"Okay, I'll take that literally" she said sensing my internal conflict "Hmmm something Kim doesn't know..... Let's see how about when to stop pulling on a dog's tail?" She joked, smiling at me. The tension instantly melted as I stuck out my tongue at the reminder of a story from sixth grade. She laughed, my reaction to the subject was hilarious to her. Her sense of humor was odd and oftentimes left me confused, but Maria was the best friend I'd ever had. She was also the only one in the whole world I trusted with my Jared obsession. As usual I couldn't help but laugh with her, her beautiful laugh always pulled in anyone around her.

Instead of heading home after school I started to walk to First Beach. I always went there whenever I needed to escape and free myself of oppressing thoughts. The beauty of the beach always struck me. The naturally colored rocks in varying shades of red, green, purple, and blue lying on the ground made the miles of ocean view perfect. Amidst such beauty it was hard to remain troubled. A person's worries melted away on First Beach.

Because I didn't have a license I had to walk a total of five miles alongside the road. Needless to say it took a while for me to get to the beach and by the time I got there the winter sun was in the middle of setting. I looked at my cell phone's clock and it was only five-thirty. I let out a sigh and sitting on a piece of driftwood took a sketch-pad and pencil from my back-pack. I began to sketch without having an end result in mind. I always drew whenever something was bothering me and my hand moved across the paper without my supervision. My mind drifted to Jared. He had to be sick. Not a single person had seen him in the past twenty-four hours. My mind pictured his long well-muscled body lying across a bed, while sweat trickled through his gorgeous four-inch long hair and his face contorted into a grimace of discomfort. I felt a pang in my stomach. What if he was deathly ill? What if he'd had an accident? What if he was-? No I was letting my imagination break away from reality. Jared was sick and he'd get better soon. A big strong, healthy teenager didn't disappear. Or at least that was what I tried to convince myself of.

I knew almost every feature of his face by heart and began to picture it in order to keep away from unwanted thoughts. His high Quileute cheekbones underneath russet skin appeared in my mind. His face was more mature than the typical seventeen year old, it was a dark, handsome face. His lips were full but not feminine, and he had wide gorgeous brown eyes that hinted of dark secrets. I pictured the curve of his brow and the way his curly hair fell over his eyes so that he always looked like he had just gotten out of bed. His hair was irresistible and whenever I saw him I wanted to run my fingers through his gorgeous black locks. The face that formed in my mind was loved, but what about the person behind it? I wanted to know that person, wanted to be the one who made him smile. His smiles were things of beauty that could make any girl swoon, but what about the reasons behind them? The unanswered questions swirled through my mind, driving me mad.

He could never be known to me. He didn't know that I was even alive. The thought was too much and made me curl in on myself as the unstoppable tears fell. I didn't want to love someone I didn't know. I was too scared of rejection to talk to him and would therefore never get to know him. The fact that I loved him with my whole being wouldn't change the way he saw me if he didn't know I felt that way. The longing for him to turn and see me, the desire to understand him, and the sense of the blessing I had to be able to see him increased by the hour. i felt these things times a thousand and they made up a large portion of who I was. Consequently all the things I wished to be rid of were things I couldn't live without .

Underneath all the violently wrong emotions existed the hope of seeing him tomorrow. I smiled without humor, the irony of life kept mounting. I never wanted to see him again, and yet I also wanted to see his warm smile that instant. It was as my dream self had said I was hopelessly, unhealthily and desperately in love with Jared.

I wiped the tears from my eyes and stood up. A fierce determination began to fill me. I would talk to Jared the next time I saw him. Even if it was only to ask for a pencil that I already had, I would speak to him. Fear coupled the anticipation that came from the thought. I would probably be thoroughly sick afterwards, but Jared will have spoken to me. He will have noticed me and however unimportant the observation about the tiny girl asking for a pencil was, he still would have made it. I would no longer be alone for lack of trying. Keeping to myself was, as Maria had said, not making me any happier. I was tired of wallowing inside the fantasies of a nonexistent love. The only way I could let go of Jared Ash was by being shut down by him.

Seconds after I made this decision I remembered that asking for a pencil wouldn't change anything. There was no way I could ask him out or confess my feelings to him, especially after that haunting dream. I'd have to settle for becoming a casual acquaintance, and maybe even a friend. With the thought of Jared as a friend I was, for the first time in a while, genuinely happy.

As I picked up my things I glanced down at my sketch. It was of a lone wolf in a forlorn wood. There was a pain in his eyes that startled me. I looked closely at the picture. There was something in those wide lonely eyes that disconcerted me. I was still looking at the picture as I walked off the beach and headed toward the road. I knew the path well enough to be able to walk without having to look and continued to stare at the picture. I was halfway home when I realized what it was. The sorrowful eyes that filled the wolf's face were that of a human's. The eyes resembled Jared's so much, that for a moment, I thought his soul was looking out at me from the drawing. I shook that thought from my mind, this was just some doodle I'd made while on the beach. I should have thrown the useless sketch out, but for some indiscernible reason I couldn't let go of those sad, lonely, eyes. They looked like they had watched their world crumble down around them and for some reason I wanted to be the thing that stitched it back together again. That of course was a mentally defective reaction, it was a picture I couldn't save it from its pain.

I didn't sleep well that night, or any other night of that week, bad dreams about grey wolves filled my mind. The days went on. I went to school and sat through English and math with the hope of seeing Jared in history. Every day I walked into my third period class with an elevated heart-rate only to have it plummet five minutes later when my anticipation turned into disappointment. My hopes irrational hopes would come back to me as I walked into the lunchroom with Maria and then fall again when the only people at his usual table were Paul and his other nameless friends. I wanted him to come to school so I could follow through with the course of action on which I had decided. He didn't come back, and as the days wore on I realized that I wouldn't be able to fulfill my self promise. Not because I was chicken, but because Jared didn't come to school.

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	2. Chapter 2

**When I'm Free**

(**Disclaimer: **Okay I'm really sorry I didn't put one on the first chapter! I kind of forgot. I do not own Twilight or any of its characters. Forgive the mistake please!)

(**Author's note: **This started out as a really long chapter and I had to break it down into two separate ones. I hope you like it, and please review)

**Chapter Two**

After a few years of my obsession I realized that I had begun measuring my time not by what happened to me, but by what I had seen happen to Jared. Ever since he started sitting next to me I began to remember things in larger blocks of time, like weeks and months. Eventually, every time period had a label in my mind and every label had something to do with Jared. Individual days no longer stood out for me, after all the only things worth remembering involved Jared, and his life would forever be separated from mine. At times I wished that fate would end the cruelty and stop putting him in my classes, leaving me alone to heal. It was only after the many weeks that Jared went missing that I regretted those thoughts. There is no label for, there are no words for, that time of emotion and "A Time of Healing" would fail dismally at describing it. No language in the world can successfully communicate how arduous it was to simply get up in the morning nonetheless go to school.

My life seemed like it had no meaning and I couldn't understand why. There was no reason for me to be obsessed with Jared in the first place, he never talked to me and so, logically, there was nothing to miss. Still, despite all the logic in the world, I couldn't stop longing for him. I held on desperately to the memory of how he made feel, while I tried to figure out what it was I felt and why I was so addicted to that feeling.

My mental and physical health worsened as days and then weeks passed. My sleeping patterns became increasingly erratic, and my grades dropped drastically. The days dragged on slowly, but I couldn't remember anything specific about them. They melted together into desolate weeks, many of which didn't have a single event for me to remember them by. One week went by much the same as the one before, but they always had minor differences that made them get steadily worse as time went on. At the end of every day I thought that it could get no worse, then, when I woke up the next morning, I realized that I could only dream of such an easy way out.

There was only one week during that time in which every detail remained perfectly clear in my mind. More attention than I'd had in a while was given to me during that crazy week. Some of it was enjoyable, but most of it was _very _unwanted. Unwanted attention left me on my butt in the middle of the classroom surrounded by laughter, while the enjoyable attention wasn't enough to make me feel completely whole again. The latter of the two, when directed my way, left me laughing and smiling while parts of my innner-core continued to crumble away. Every day I felt like I was breaking, but I was happier than I had been in two years. Was it possible for a person to enjoy things while they were falling apart? Unfortunately for me it was entirely possible...... and that fact left me utterly confused.

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The second day of the second week of my everlasting hell, I woke up to the sound of laughter. I sat up ready to yell at whatever it was waking me up, whether it was my mom or my radio playing a talk show, it would get a piece of my mind. After blinking away sleep my senses managed to become fairly coherent and I found my twenty-two year old brother standing at the foot of my bed. My mind immediately dropped its original course of action. How could I yell at my brother? I hadn't seen him since he'd left for college two years ago, and despite frequent phone calls I had missed him terribly. I jumped out of bed and wrapped my arms and legs around his huge body before he could disappear again. I tried to hold back my shriek of jubilation as I flew through the air, but failed miserably. My joy at seeing my handsome brother was audible in the form of a wild shriek.

"Yeah, you didn't miss me at all..." He said sarcastically as I squeezed him. "I should never believe you when you say you're doing fine." he muttered. Most likely thinking of our frequent phone calls, during which I insisted I was doing magnificently.

"Oh, Jack I've missed you so much! What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in California!" I exclaimed, stepping back to look at him. He was exactly like I remembered him. His skin was a fiery shade of copper, his eyes were a hazel that flashed in good-natured wickedness, his cheekbones remained high, his chin remained proud, and his nose was still slightly crooked from when he broke it when he was eight. _From when my fist broke when I was four_ I thought proudly. I still got a kick out of the thought that I had broken my brother's nose._ He's as handsome as I remember........and he** still** needs a haircut! _I added to myself as an after thought. My eyes took in his long, sandy-blond hair and very nearly groaned. His hair was so wild I doubted he had brushed it at all that year, nonetheless that week. Because of his hair you could tell that he wasn't a pure-blood Quileutte, while it was impossible to tell that my dad was Australian based on /my/ appearance.

"What, you're not happy to see me?" He asked jokingly. As if I wouldn't miss him like crazy! He was my one of my best friends!

"Oh, you know I am." I said with an exasperated sigh. _Could he be serious for five consecutive minutes? _I thought.

Jack glanced at my clock. "Well, Kimmie, since you're going to be late anyways, what do you say to skipping your first two classes in order to have breakfast with me?" he asked casually.

It was only after his question that I even thought of looking at the clock. I gasped and started freaking out internally, completely forgetting about what he had asked. _Crap, I've already missed all of home room and half of first period. Why didn't I wake up? _ Thoughts ran frantically through my head and I felt the urge to run around like a headless chicken. As if he'd read my mind Jack went over to my alarm clock and picked up the cord. It looked as if something had chewed on the end. _Ewwww. Not only do I need a new alarm clock, but I need to buy rat traps, too. Why me?_

"Okay, well, I'll buy some rat traps at the hardware store once you're at school. But what about my answer?" Jack said.

"Huh?" I had no clue what he was talking about. My thoughts had taken their normal course, and I was thinking about Jared, wondering whether or not _he_ needed rat traps in his bedroom.

He chuckled and said "Breakfast. I just asked if you'd like to spend a little time together before you go to school. Don't worry I won't tell mom."

"Oh, well, that's great. Will you give me a ride to school?" I asked.

"Only if you do me the honor of breakfast"

"Jeez, do I have to spell it out? I wouldn't miss breakfast with you for the world." I said, forgetting that if Jared had asked me not to go my brother would be on his own.

I pushed a grinning Jack out of my room and headed toward my shower. I grabbed nicer clothes than usual, a fancy white blouse and the pair of black jeans that I never wore. Jack's coming home called for a change in dress. Having my brother home made me forget about missing Jared, if only for a short period of time. Saying as there was no way Jared was missing me, I was entitled to distractions.

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I was able to keep my unrequited love out of my mind very successfully for most of that morning. Jack took me to the only diner within the La Push reservation limits; he was the best conversation I'd had in three days (because Maria was sick) and I was glad to have him back.

Preparing to pig-out we walked into the shabby restaurant, sat down in a booth near the door, and ordered two of the biggest breakfast meals on the menu. I then launched the lengthy interrogation I'd been holding back for two years. I had hundreds of questions and wanted hundreds of answers, there was no way my brother was going to get away with minimal information.

"So any girls you like?" I asked fifty questions later.

"Wow. Kimmie let me breathe." Jack said, and I blushed, he'd probably spent all of two minutes without being badgered for information.

"Do I have to? I mean you might be gone tomorrow." I whined.

"Well, actually, Friday, and yeah there is a girl." He responded.

I was upset about the fact that he had to leave so soon but instantly asked him what she was like. This apparently was the question that could get him talking without provocation. The discussion that followed was long and intense, the words interrupted only when we had to put food in our mouths.

I was shocked at how long he could talk about the girl. I'd never seen my brother really in love before. Sure, he'd had girlfriends, but none were ever this serious. I knew almost everything about the girl within a few minutes of conversation. I knew her name was Clarissa, that she was a redhead, and that she had the most gorgeous green eyes I would ever see. My brother told me stories about her pranks and all the fun they had together. He told me that she had the fiery temper associated with redheads and could be vicious, but was quick to forgive.

"She reminds me a lot of you in that department. The only difference is that it takes a lot to get you mad. Saying hi to Clarissa before she's had her morning coffee turns her into a dragon." Jack commented with a chuckle once he'd paid the bill. As we walked to his big black Jeep I began to get lost in my own thoughts, tuning out most of what he was telling me. I'd felt a slight twinge of sadness and a great deal of envy when I'd heard about how happy they were. My brother's feelings were returned and he was the happiest I'd ever seen him. My very existence remained unnoticed. I began to feel a sadness that I had no right to feel. My heart ached and I felt like something was rotting in my stomach.

"She sounds wonderful Jack. I'm glad you met her." I said dragging myself from my reverie as we got into his big car.

"You aren't the only one glad about it. All my friends love her. She's hilarious, even a lemon can't remain sour around her." He said.

The conversation went on as he started driving to the school. We changed topics and talked about his classes and professors as I tried to avoid the question I really wanted to ask. I never asked him why he hadn't come home sooner. The only contact we'd had in twenty-four months were letters and phone calls. I knew exactly what he'd been avoiding, but ached to ask the question anyway. I was probably clinging to denial, not wanting to admit to myself that my family would never be whole again. I remained angry and continued to harbor the hope that my dad would realize his mistake and come back to us.

When we turned onto the road leading to the school my brother looked at the clock. "That's not good, at this rate you'll arrive halfway through second period. I promised you that you'd get to talk to me until the beginning of third." he said.

"It's okay Jack. Really just this was enough." I said.

He gave me a look of false outrage. "For you maybe. I, on the other hand haven't gotten _my_ turn to ask the questions. I will not miss out on this for the world. We'll go down to First Beach until your next class starts."

He made a u-turn and started driving to our favorite place. "Do I have any choice?" I muttered to myself. I was _not_ looking forward to this part of the conversation.

"Did you say something?" Jack asked looking down at me. His grin told me that he already knew what I'd said...... and that there would be no mercy. I groaned and he started laughing manically.

We made it to the beach and resisted the urge to splash each other futilely. When Jack drove me to LaPush Reservation High his hair was wet and my right pants leg was soaked. Oddly enough, I wasn't at all upset about it. Brothers are experts when it comes to screwing with your life free of blame

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Once I'd gotten to school there was a grand total of three minutes left for me to make it to history on time. I grabbed my things from my locker and headed to class. Hope filled me as I raced down the hall dodging other students as they swarmed the corridors. Jared was probably already there sitting at our shared table, and I would be spared the pain of missing him. My current predicament could only be described as withdrawal, and that withdrawal would end when I saw Jared's gorgeous face again, and I would be flying high on the drug that was Jared .

Even though I'd moved as fast as I could I was still ten minutes late to class. It was ill-fated that my locker was on the other side of the school. I walked into class to the sound of hushed whispers. My embarrassment couldn't even compare to the disappointment I felt when I saw that my table was empty._ He's not here..........again_ I thought desperately. Pain filled my chest as I stumbled through the door.

"Well, well. _You're_ late. Saying as this is your first time, I'll let you off with a warning. But don't expect any slack next time, Kim." the teacher, Mr. Benton, said as I hurried to my seat.

I mumbled an apology and silently thanked my lucky stars for the fact that, despite my dislike of the subject, I still had an A average in Mr. Benton's class. I knew my grades and quiet nature were the only things keeping him from giving me detention. I added good grades to my mental list of pluses that came from being perpetually ignored by your peers, the extra mark of good faith did nothing to outweigh all the negatives.

I focused on not falling to the ground when I headed to my seat, trying to ignore the snickers ensuing from the class. We were still watching educational movies and Mr. Benton had turned out the lights. I had to walk in the dark and it spared me some of the embarrassment even if it made it hard to walk without running into, or tripping over, people and books. I tripped three times and the third time I ended up on the floor.

I heard more laughter as I started to gather my things. When I got up I felt something knock my books to the floor again. I looked up at my tormentor and shivered. I could see his face by the light coming from the T.V screen and recognized Paul Anaya. There was an evil smirk on his face that scared me. The darkness of the room, his size, and the malicious glee I saw in his eyes combined to create an atmosphere in which even a lion would be afraid. His actions confused me, Paul didn't normally act this way. If he had ever shown the tendency to be a bully it was when he _got rid _of the bullies. He was very good at shutting down cruel people, his size combined with his wit created a force to be reckoned with. This wasn't like the boy I'd seen over the years. I only knew the things I knew about him because he was Jared's best friend, it may have been due to a bias, but I couldn't bring myself to think badly of him.

I bent down to pick up my books again and walked to my seat without hard feelings. I made excuses for Paul's actions as I sat. It was a bad habit that I could never shake. I made excuses for people it was part of my nature. I usually had to imagine extinuating circumstances that led to a person's action but this was one of the few situations in which there was no need. There was actual truth to base my excuses on. Paul really wasn't a bad guy he probably thought it was a good joke. There was no harm meant and no harm done.

I focused on the movie. The notes were easy to take, but the class went by slowly. I was relieved when I was able to go to lunch; I'd been feeling eyes on the side of my head throughout the past hour and it had made me nervous. I sighed picked up my books and rushed to the cafeteria.

When I met Maria at our usual table she asked where I'd been and I told her about my brother and Clarissa. She said she was very happy for me and for my brother and I tried to ignore the sadness in her eyes. I hadn't forgotten that Maria's older brother had died two years ago. I knew she missed him terribly and tried not to curse myself for mentioning my brother. After that we debated about whether or not gym got worse with each year of high school. I was voting for yes, but Maria said that it remained the same. The cheerful debate got us through most of lunch and almost successfully kept my mind from Jared. My thoughts only reverted to him twice within that hour.

The second time I thought of Jared during that lunch (the first being a random thought on whether or not he liked oranges, I had no clue how that thought got into my head) it was my being grateful that he happened to not be there that day.

As Maria and I were gathering our things to depart a shadow loomed over my head. I didn't bother turning around until a pile of warm food fell gracelessly off of someone's tray and into my lap. I closed my eyes trying desperately to believe that there wasn't a warm plate of nachos all over my shirt. There was the sound of very loud, very obnoxious laughter coming from behind me. I turned around to find the source of said laughter as something similar to anger filled me. It wasn't hard to deal with the anger I felt. It wasn't very strong. The shock at seeing Paul Anaya standing behind me holding his now empty lunch tray, laughing along with a few of his friends, was a very different matter.

I was completely stunned and impossibly confused. What were his reasons? He had no reason to dislike me that much. It was impossible we hadn't shared a conversation since first grade. I decided that it was an accident.

I calmly made it out of the cafeteria. There was no further incident and I didn't speak a word to anybody. I ended up in the girl's bathroom closest to the lunchroom. T_hank god Jared wasn't here today. That would have been so embarrassing. He might have been among the many laughing._ I thought desperately trying to maintain my cool. Knowing that jared wasn't cruel didn't keep me from the worry. Seeing someone get a lunch dumped on them could be funny and listening to others laughing always forced me to laugh with them, regardless on whether or not I found it funny.

Maria came into the room shortly after I had regained my composure. I was shocked to see that her anger was much greater then mine had been.

"What the hell did he do that for!?" She screamed at no one person in particular. She then began to take her frustration out on the air in the bathroom, kicking and punching. Some would describe it as a hissy fit, but seeing Maria that angry left a different impression on my mind. She had a very strong protective streak when it came to her friends.

"And why the hell didn't you confront him?!!!" she asked once she had gotten her anger out.

"It was obviously an accident." I said calmly. Her jaw dropped. I could tell that more swear words were coming up. Among her friends Maria was famous for her rather..... filthy choice in language when she was emotional.

"He was laughing his ass off!!" she said, I was grateful she was no longer yelling because it would have been embarrassing to have a teacher come into the bathroom in response to her curse words. "You're just standing there after he-"

"Maria, calm down and help me with this. Crying over spilled.... nachos won't do anything. Let's hope your magic purse had something to save me from further emotional trauma." I interrupted her. She seemes to deflate after that and began to help me recover from such a horrible event. We found a shirt in her magic purse and we left the bathroom feeling pretty relaxed. Needless to say she and I were both late for trigonometry.

The rest of the day went smoothly with only one more surprise. As I walked out of the door and headed to the bus I heard a familiar voice call my name and turned to find my brother there to pick me up. _Yes,_ I thought_ I knew today was going to be great,_ completely forgetting the incidents with Paul.

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When we got home my brother hid in the kitchen pantry, and I waited in the kitchen. My mom couldn't make a grilled cheese sandwich without burning it, so I normally made dinner. Most of the time I managed to avoid disasters, but my cooking was only marginally better than my mother's. My brother's was worse than my mom's and the only person in my family who /could/ cook was my father. He wasn't around anymore, he was probably having fun in Hawaii, though. Having a good time with the home-wrecker who'd destroyed my family. I felt guilty about how bitter I was to Roxanne, but as much as I tried I couldn't get over it. She was the reason I missed my dad, the reason the Daddy's girl no longer had a Daddy.

I tried to banish the dark feelings thinking of my father brought and began to get out the supplies for spaghetti, purposely forgetting the tomato sauce, which was in the pantry. My mother came home at three-thirty every day so I immediately started cooking. By the time my mom came home I had the tomatoes onions and peppers chopped and sizzling in the pan.

When she walked in I made a scene by opening and closing cabinet doors. I pretended to violently look for something and quit with a giant huff.

"Honey, are you looking for something?" my mom asked. Forever the kind and gentle mother.

"Yeah, I forgot where I put the tomato sauce, and if I don't add it to the vegetables soon my spaghetti will be vegetables and noodles." I snapped acting as if looking around the room for hours had put me in a bad mood. I didn't normally lie, but I was good at it. That may have been why I was so good at acting. My mom was eating out of my hands.

"Kim, you shouldn't over-react like that. The tomato sauce is in the pantry." She said heading towards the large closet-like pantry. _Jeez, could she be any more predictable _I thought as she opened the door.

" Have you had a bad day? This isn't like you" she said looking back at me as she reached into the closet. She wasn't looking and didn't notice when the tomato sauce was handed to her by a hand that shouldn't have been there. "Thank-you" she said absent mindedly to the pantry.

"Your welcome" my brother said laughter in his voice.

Ignoring him I answered my mother "No, mom I've had the best day ever." I couldn't hold back a giggle whenas I saw the hand do a little dance in the door way. My mom shut the pantry door and walked over to me. She put the tomato sauce on the counter next to the electronic can-opener. She stopped for a minute to think. A confused look crossed her face.

"Did I just say thank-you to a closet?" She asked. The door to the pantry creaked open and my brother leaned against the door-way. It was a corny prank and very predictable, too, but shockingly it worked.

"Actually, mom, I think you said thank-you to me." My brother said. He was still holding back laughter, his large chest was shaking and his grin was huge.

My mom shrieked and ran to my brother. Hugging him almost as hard as I had that morning, she sobbed into his chest.

"Boy, don't you ever do that again." she said, "Why didn't you come home sooner?" she asked.

"Well, I was kind of busy trying to get A's Ma." he said hugging her back.

I went back to cooking leaving the rest of my small family to talk alone. I'd had my turn, now it was my mom's. I liked the opportunity to think that cooking gave me. My thoughts wandered and before I knew it, it was time for dinner. My mother, brother, and I sat down in the dining room table and had the first family dinner I'd had in two years. I tried not to look at the empty seat opposite my mom. It did no good to think about my dad when there was so much fun to be had.

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**Thanks for reading. I hope you liked it! Please review even if you hated it. I'm on my knees here I need feed back.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:**Yeah, who doesn't wish they owned the rights to Twilight? I'd be so rich I wouldn't be writing fanfiction I'd be sitting on my butt next to several really hot guys.

**Author's note: **I hope you like this---------PLEASE REVIEW??!!!!!

**Chapter Three**

I thought about Jared before I went to bed every night for the next two weeks. I continued to sleep badly and my dreams were haunted by lonely gray wolves. My brother went back to college and promised to bring Clarissa next time he visited. For some reason Paul continued to make my already desolate life even worse. Tripping me, mocking me, and exploiting my faults every chance he got, Paul continued to add to my never ending torture. And the torture continued to get steadily worse.

The Friday after my brother left I'd had enough. The lack of sleep and continuous Jared deprivation made me go insane, and with that insanity came a lack of inhibition that would have led many to their doom. Naturally, the lack of mind and matter led to many mortifying situations. After Paul had dumped the fifth lunch tray of that week into my lap, I grew so annoyed that I decided to actually do something about it. Gathering my nonexistent courage, I stood to confront my tormentor. No one noticed me as I walked across the cafeteria, but a thrill of adrenaline surged through me when I thought of what I was going to do.

Wondering vaguely if it truly was the lack of sleep that led me to my actions, or if it was simply too much time longing for an event that would never come, I made it to the table Paul and his friends always sat at.

"Excuse me," I said, making sure to be polite "Sorry for the interruption but, Paul , could you come with me. I'd like to talk to you." I knew that the way I was speaking was probably a little much, but there was no way I could have said anything else without yelling at the teenage boys who did not, in fact, look like teenage boys. Obviously the aforementioned teenage boys agreed with me because they stared at me as if I'd grown horns, and was asking them to follow me into the deep abyss.

"Wha-" One of Paul's friends asked so shocked that he couldn't form a coherent statement.

"What did you say?" Paul asked, translating the words that his friend was stuttering over.

"Could you please come with me, Paul. I would like to talk to you." I repeated trying to keep my impatience form leaking into my voice. There must have been something in my tone of voice, because after that Paul got quietly to his feet and followed me out of the room.

As soon as we had left the cafeteria I spun around to glare at him. "What is your problem?" I asked. Without waiting for an answer I continued "Even a nobody like me can tell that something is up with you. I don't even know you, but you have dumped three lunch trays in my lap and have tripped me about five hundred times! All within the last two weeks!" I was over exaggerating, but he got my point.

He just stood there looking down at me. I'd have been scared if it weren't for how much he worried me. _What if Jared is the same? What if I was wrong about him? Could it possibly be that the sweet, quiet, and brave boy I imagined had been a lie? What if when he comes back he joins Paul in his torture? _And other various questions ran through my mind constantly angering me more than anything else in the world. Still, my anger didn't last and it left me as I voiced those four sentences and gave him that glare. My nature made me ashamed for my outburst and made me worry about his sudden and apparent change in nature. By what I'd seen he hadn't bothered anyone else and he'd never done anything _really_ destructive. That is, if you ignored the three pairs of pants my mother no longer let me wear.

He was shaking very violently and I couldn''t hide my concerned frown. Which made him shake even more. _He looks so upset,_ I thought feeling guilty.

"Are you okay? Can I get you anything?" He looked shocked at my questions and gave me an exasperated look. "What? I don't think you're all that bad. Is that hard to believe?" I asked putting my hands on my hips and raising an eyebrow. The way his eyes were bugging out almost made me laugh. My mind was in a very odd state, and my moods changed in two seconds. My going from angry and upset to concerned and motherly must have freaked Paul out.

"I've been treating you like shit for the past two weeks and you're asking me if I'm okay?" he asked through gritted teeth, "I'm about five times your size and you are brave enough to drag me out of the cafeteria to yell at me?" he asked his voice was getting louder and his shaking was increasing.

"Did I yell?" I muttered to myself, he looked even more shocked and that prompted me to speak again. "Yeah. I told you, I don't think you're all that bad." I said, "Are you okay?" I repeated worriedly, he was turning an odd greenish-white color.

"I think I've lost my mind." he said brushing his hair out of his eyes. I reached up on my toes and put my hand to his forehead. He flinched away from it. I flinched too, his forehead was hotter than a burner on high.

"Yikes!! Paul, you should be dead by now! Your head is on fire!" I cried out pulling my hand back. I started to look around nervously for a nurse. I didn't handle emergencies well and if he started seizing within the next few minutes I would most certainly start freaking out. For his sake I hoped someone else was around, because there was no way my panicking could keep him from biting off his tongue.

"Would your understanding have anything to do with me being Jared's best friend?" He asked. I blushed at the accusation, I'd hoped he hadn't bothered to remember the collapsing binder fiasco.

That Monday he had tripped me on the stairs, and as I tried to save myself from a broken neck, I dropped all my books. I watched them spread themselves across the stair case, and groaned as I began picking things up. Maria, who had been walking with me bent to help me, after glaring at a laughing Paul, and I realized that one of my binders had broken open. My Trig, biology, and history notes were scattered along with my books and folders.

Maria accidentally overturned a page of notes I had scribbled on in my Trigonometry class. It was my favorite subject, but I was so good at it that scribblings were common among sheets of neatly written algorithms. The very embarrassing scribbles were clearly visible, on the back of the paper there was a wolf staring up at me with soulful eyes and underneath the wolf Jared+Kim was written in bold bubble letters. I hurried to grab it from her before anyone saw it, but a large, brown, hot hand had beat me to it. I spun around to stare at the owner of the hand. It was none other than Paul. He glanced down at the page and started laughing as I frantically snatched it away from him. I shredded the notes and tried to ignore the smile on his face knowing that he would tell Jared as soon as he came back to school. The memory would forever be engraved in my memory as "The Collapsing Binder Fiasco of Doom."

The fact that Paul thought I was so obsessed that it would affect my judgment angered me. Jared had nothing to do with my opinion of Paul. Paul was he one who affected my opinion of Jared, and at that moment it seemed like Jared had drowned in a river of evil in my mind. Paul was stupid if he thought that Jared had an affect on my decision. I looked him in the eyes and said fiercely "No, not at all. I've seen you get rid of about five bullies. You've never bullied anyone yourself before. Just because no-one notices me doesn't mean I don't notice everyone else." I said " Besides, I like Jared but that doesn't mean I have to like his friends." _Might as well say it since Paul already knows about my crush. _I thought as bravely as I could.

Apparently that was all Paul could handle because after staring for two more minutes he turned and walked quickly out of the school. I stared after him shocked at the affect I'd had on him. Was I really that terrible? I stood for twenty minutes staring at the door he'd gone through, trying not to cry. When the bell rang I picked up my things and headed to class, more confused than I remembered ever being in my life.

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When I got home I ran to my room and cried myself to sleep. My dreams were restless and filled with doubts and subconscious wanderings. The only thing I could remember about my dreams by morning was that there had been more than a lone gray wolf in my dreams. There had been three.

_The three wolves were all different colors, sizes and shapes. One was a deep black that matched the darkest night, it was huge and seemed to be much older than the others, but not elderly, no, it was still very strong. The second was the smallest, and had fur of a deep dark silver, he was awkward in his movements and seemed like he couldn't believe what was going on. The gray one was indescribably beautiful, as usual, his eyes still that startling shade of brown that sent thrills running through me._

_The silver wolf started out all alone in a clearing. He was whimpering paws on top of his head as if he were trying to rid himself of nightmares. I watched from above as if I were a bird swooping in to see his eyes and then swooping away again to view him from above. He sat there and looked so sad, so scared, that it was impossible to imagine what had happened to him. I could tell that he was trying to bury himself under his paws, digging for a way out with his mind._

_The other two, the black and gray ones, were running in the woods. Before long they were in the same clearing as the silver one_. _They entered slowly so as not to scare the whining wolf. The black wolf entered first, but the gray soon pulled ahead in front eagerly skipping to the silver one lying on the grass. He yipped happily at the silver wolf, the obvious joy inside it made the wolf appear like he was floating, and it made me smile from my safe spot in the sky. The silver wolf's head raised and it stood up to stare into the dark brown eyes set deep inside the gray wolf's face. The corner of the gray's mouth lifted up on the right side and he gave a friendly bark. The dream translated his yipping into a cocky "Took you long enough." _

_The silver one barked back, his sounds translating into the fragmented question "The hell?!!!?"_

_Then they continued to converse in their odd wolfy way. The dream no longer translated their communication, but there was no need. Dreaming of talking to wolves was something I didn't enjoy. Soon the black one began to bark, too. They began to draw together in the middle of the clearing. They didn't seem to notice, it was as if the addition of the silver wolf had lifted a weight off of the two other wolves and made them become one. a tight-knit trio that needed no trouble. _

_At one point the gray wolf nudged the black one with his shoulder, the black one looked at him and then shook its head. It started to head out of the clearing and then there was only the gray and silver one left in the clearing. For a while the two wolves continued to talk to each other. Out of nowhere the gray one leapt over the silver one and landed twenty feet away from the other. The wolf spread its two front legs out and crouched down challenging the other wolf to attack. It did so with a loud bark. They began to roll around in a rough tussle. Somehow I knew it was just for play, and didn't start worrying. As it was I couldn't help but cheer for the gray one. I knew it would win, but still enjoyed the excitement of the match. It was so lighthearted it was as if their happiness was carrying me high up into the sky._

_The grey wolf won and he pinned the silver one onto the ground nipping at its ear playfully. The silver one gave him a glare and walked over to a tree settling down to an exhausted sleep. The gray wasn't tired, though. He sat on his haunches, and stared up into the sky at the stars. He started howling a lonely howl. The wolf had a friend going through what he was, but he still longed for something else The howling lulled me into a deep contented sleep tinged with a sadness that, for once, wasn't my own._

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For the next few weeks neither Paul nor Jared showed up at school. Paul hadn't been seen or talked to since he had walked out of the school after our confrontation. This made me guilty even though I tried to avoid blame.

The two wolves were in my dreams for the following days. Sometimes the two of them were so sad I woke up crying. Sometimes one would be sad and the other would attempt to cheer him up, the black wolf joined them every once in a while but left them alone most of the time. Other times they were both happy and playful making me wake up with a quiet happiness filling me. The wolves got increasingly cheerful as the days passed and after three weeks they were so happy I woke up crying from joy. As the wolves grew happier the dreams grew infrequent and short. My theory was that my dreams were a part of my Jared obsession. I decided I was going through withdrawal and that the steady progression to normal sleep led me to a time where I would no longer be obsessed with him. I thought that the dreams would soon lead me to a time where I could be happy with someone else, or, if need be, make me happy by myself.

After six weeks without Jared I felt completely rejuvenated. I woke up that Monday in a good mood. I wore my favorite t-shirt and pulled on an old pair of jeans. Dressing casually not caring at all about how I looked. I walked to school in happy spirits and even arrived early. The day was unusually nice, so I sat on a curb and looked up at the clouds. It was so beautiful that I spent the next fifteen minutes staring at it. I felt a wide peaceful smile crawl on my face, and walked into the school just as the bell rang.

As I walked through the door I felt a chill of foreboding warn me that something was going to occur that I wouldn't like. Crowds of students were stopping in corners to gossip. There were girls huddled up giggling and guys trying to impress girls with their knowledge of what was happening. The talking was louder than usual and the pointing was directed in one particular direction rather than at random people and sights. Two very large men were clearly visible at the end of the hall. As I recognized the taller of the two a fierce joy filled me followed immediately by a pain that was so strong I nearly fell to my knees.

Just like that a my good mood was both ruined and increased tenfold. He was back. Conflicting emotions filled me as I analyzed how he had changed. He had changed so much that I nearly cried. The changes made him only so much more out of my reach. I felt like I had just found out that my idol was gay. He was easy to see because he towered over the tops of the students' heads. He was at least eight inches taller, three feet broader, and, if possible, infinitely more handsome. He looked like he had aged ten years in one and a half months.

_He is so beautiful_, I thought,_ His face is exactly the same yet infinitely different. How could he be even more unreachable than before? He is so beautiful, I'd give anything to have him hold me for just a few seconds. _The depressing thoughts filled me along with the joy I felt at seeing his face.

_Wait, how the hell could he have gotten even taller??!!!! He was already the size of a building. What has he been eating and where can I get some? _I wondered from some random corner of my mind.

We would sit next to each other in history. I would ask him for a pencil just like I had promised myself and he would give me one, and then he'd go back to ignoring me. _He doesn't know you!!!_ my inner voice cried to me. The sight of him made everything worse I hadn't realized how much I'd missed him. I walked slowly to my locker and opened it mechanically. I put my back pack in and reached for my books, forgetting that I had put them on the top shelf. I looked up and jumped in the attempt to grab them. When I had finally yanked my books to ground level I headed to my Trig class. I got the urge to run home as fast as I could when I entered the classroom and sat down. I decided against it. I wanted to see Jared today. I wanted to talk to him.

And so I would wait through the torture of school.........and perhaps I would run home and pretend to be deathly ill shortly after third period.


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